I'm waiting for Baldur's Gate to finish installing, and I haven't put anything up here for a bit so I felt it was probably a good time as any to write something up. Pearl recommended something on my cross-dressing, so why the fuck not, eh?
I can still remember what it was that first sparked my interest in it, a story on Literotica. I don't remember the author, or the name of it, but the story itself is still fairly vivid in my memory. It involved a couple getting a bit drunk one night, and (I forget exactly how or why) they decided to experiment a little. She got him some of her clothes to wear, and she put on some of his and a strap on. They fooled around for a bit, playing up the role and gender switch, and then she pegged him to a satisfying prostate orgasm.
I thought it was amazingly hot. I still don't quite know what it was about the story that triggered the reaction, just that it was facinating and made me want to try it out fairly badly. It didn't have any of the trappings you'd generally see in that kind of story, as it wasn't really a D/s situation, and it just read like two healthy people in a relationship trying something new and kinky.
I was hooked, and looked up more. I never really found anything that quite hit the same notes as that first one, though, as I rapidly encountered all the Femdom trops that is prevalent in this kind of fiction. For a while, I was going around in the "Sissy" thing, and the intense and (often) rather mysogynistic emasculation aspects of the fetish (this warrents it's own set of posts on the subject. It's kind of... amazingly gross in its own right). I'm not there anymore.
I don't know exactly where I fall on the scale, to be honest. I identify as male, and don't have any actual impulse or feeling to change that. I don't get off on the clothes or makeup aspects in of themselves, either. Even in an established D/s relationship, I am fairly certain I wouldn't want to be Femmed full time, either. It is very much a sometimes food for me.
I just have the need to feel girly at times. I can't really describe it any better than that. Tashi isn't my name, it was one picked for me by my first lover, and the person I first really explored these kinks with. Tashi isn't only a name, it's a bit if a persona switch as well, but it's not that dramatic either. People who've seem me in and out of that persona probably wouldn't be able to say exactly what it is that switches, or comes out on top, when I play around in that second skin. I myself wouldn't exactly be able to pinpoint anything, except maybe being more outwardly affectionate and flirty. It feels a bit like a release of inhibitions, a reveling in a certain feel and mood of sexy. Why that kind of thing requires garters, panties and a skirt I wouldn't be able to tell you, except that it just feels right. The first play party I ever went to, I had a skirt, stockings, garter belt, corset, suit jacket and full beard on. The beard may have been laziness, but it also didn't feel wrong at all. I guess I wanted to play up the gender-fuck aspect of it for some kicks that evening.
In my various readings and questings of this part of my kink, I've found that this is not something that is explored in that genres porn or writings. A lot of it seems focused around (like I said before) a fairly problematic emasculation, being turned into less of what you are because you're like, totally, a girl now! While I certainly do get off on various humilation aspects of it, that idea of being lesser because I am feminine never really struck a nerve. I don't feel less, I just feel different.
(gods im rambling where am i even going with this)
The overt prevalence of that kind of thing in the BDSM world has led to some misunderstandings with others. I've, several times, been told outright "Oh well I don't play with sissies/crossdressers", which is annoying to me because it takes one part of my sexuality (and it is a primarily sexual thing for me, a part of play) and assumes that it is all or most of it.
So, where does this put me? Like I said before, I'm still not sure. I don't exactly feel as if most CD/Femme(forced or otherwise) space or kinks really answers to what I get out of it. I'm not even sure exactly what it is I get out of it, either, as I haven't had much opportunity to really explore this side of me with someone. I'd love to, because it might answer some of the questions I do have. Until then, I'm probably just going to do what I do now; find time with some trusted friends where I can slip into something more comfortable and enjoy that feeling, even if the major sexual element is missing.